The World Breaks Everyone

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."

- Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

That was my favorite line from Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms that I bought two months ago in a second-hand bookshop in Munich. I started to think that everything will eventually break everyone; we've seen the news of attacks, tragedies, people dying, and heartbreaking pictures everywhere. "What's wrong with the world?" seems to be an unanswered question. We're busy blaming and accusing each other, we take our shredded hearts to hatred and anger, we forget that somehow, sometimes, we need to stop, we need to cut and we need to start it from ourselves.

Broken hearts are prone to hatred and anger but I believe feeling pain is absolutely not equal to hurt someone back or to hurt oneself, for whatever reason. Hatred is dangerous, once it has taken a root in a heart, then it will continue to grow, bigger and stronger.

Cut it out.

As for me, I chose to go on with life, to cut myself out from the love that turned out to hurt me the most, from a man that I love. To delete, to remove things related to this unavailing love just because I don't want to grow hatred, cause I know no one deserves to get hate, no one, including him.

Every pain should come with newfound perspectives. To get better understanding that if one part was broken, then another would get stronger though it takes time. We should be okay with that, I'm okay with that.

and I think it's where the peace begins -- with each of us being peaceful, isn't it?

2015

So, 2016 is just around the corner.

Frankly, this year has been tough, at least compared to last year. I kind of enjoyed 2014 as my new life began to start, I got my internship in a very reputable company that I had been dreaming of, got chances to fulfill my wanderlust, got my bucket list crossed off, grades were satisfying, made new good friends. Life was just easy, at that time.

I went through a major heartbreak this year that I never thought it would be this painful. A heartbreak which left me unstable, powerless enough to get myself back on the track. But yes I know, people would say a heartbreak is a part of life we all have experienced, or will experience. I know, I truly know as it's not my first time and being optimistic as what instagram-worthy phrases say is so cliche. Truth is, I'm quite afraid of emotional closeness because I know once I'm into it, I'd throw myself wholeheartedly that would, somehow, backfire on me and that's what happened. My mornings were blurry and breathing was hard, but I knew I was just going to be fine.

At the same time, someone from the past came back into my life and I came into conclusion that I'm not ready to be close to or to be with someone again, at least, for now. Well, I know everything happens for a reason and let the reason speaks out later. Let me know later that it was all worth it.

Enough for the cheesy peasy. At last, I'm getting used to listen to my Ólafur Arnalds' playlists again.

I finished my internship at E.ON successfully and later this year got invited to a professional training (got a sweet bouquet from the team on my last day!:') and went back home to Indonesia a week after. I spent 1,5 month at home, felt unreal yet I couldn't hide my happiness seeing everyone I had been missing for a long time.

In June, I finally did my solo travel again to Croatia and blessed to have found a stranger who became a good friend (we're still exchanging messages up until now, even though she's back in the US)

And finally, I'm getting closer to graduation. I'm working on my master's thesis and grateful to be involved in such a big European Union project from my department.

People come and go, but I know my comfort circles stay forever.

Long story short, this might not be my favorite year but there I learned one thing: to keep those who are worth fighting for and to let go those who aren't worth keeping around.

Yet, I'm excited to see where life's gonna take me after this. Going back home for good sounds like a plan, but my heart says I still have to wander somewhere else,

to find and to be found.