Genuinely Happy

It's been a while since the last time I felt genuinely happy, unconditionally

or am I just being too complicated? Do I define happiness in a most complicated way?


FR

Take It All Away

Take all these feelings, hopes, wishes, and prayers to the sky
To somewhere I will never be able to get it back

I need no replacement of what has been gone
Of something that will never be mine

And in my midnight prayer
I will pray
that I'm fine to be alone
that I won't look back in anger

Falling Out Love

He came right when I was feeling lost
If I had to tell how I felt about him, I wouldn't say anything other than he was a surprise I had never expected coming too soon

Right when I was struggling to move back to my own country
Right when I thought I wouldn't fit in anymore in the place I was born and raised
Right when I was feeling overwhelmed by a constant pain from the previous one
This love was unexpected yet it was the light

I forgot how devastated I was just few months before
I forgot how painful it was to lose someone
I forgot the dark days I had to survive before I left Germany
Because he was there, he was the source of my long-lost happiness
All I knew was my new journey would be sweet

Until today
Until it is not

Until it is all ruined
And this love, I don't know where I can put it down


To MN


FR

A Year After

August 5 marks a year after I left Germany for good. I'm writing this just 4 weeks before that day and only 4 days before I leave for Japan.

I didn't write a lot like I used to do when I was still living in Europe. The reason was too obvious, I didn't have time to do so. Like many other Jakartans, at this productive age, I've been dealing with works and more works, going from one meeting to another, hanging out from bar to bar, and of course surviving from the harsh circumstances of everyday life in the big bad capital.

Have I ever thought of going back to Europe? Of course, yes. 
I still remember every corner of Munich, the trains and buses, the parks, the places I loved to go, the language I used to speak, my home and its huge kitchen, they are still clear in my mind. Leaving Germany was one of the hardest things I have ever done, for sure.

A year ago, I was heartbroken. I lost someone and I thought moving back to Indonesia would be a nightmare. The thought of going back to Germany haunted me for weeks. I was struggling to adjust myself back to the city, even speaking in my mother tongue was difficult at first.

But then, what I recognized as soon as I stepped out of that chapter in my life is that's exactly how life works. That chapter in my life was already closed. I have achieved what I wanted to achieve. The process was a bit chaotic but the journey was too sweet to remember.

The sadness and loss were the signs that it's the time to move on and moving on means I'm progressing, as human, as a living thing.

Now a year later, of course I have moved on.

Workload and travels replaced those transitional feelings. New connections and circles filled the void in my heart that first I can't seem to fill. Families and best friends made me realized that I'm home, at last.

I'm home,
but I will never stop flying.
I will never stop remembering that sweet chapter in my life.

Jakarta dan Cinta

It's pretty much interesting how I feel about Jakarta especially in the past three weeks.

Terlepas dari semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang harus saya jawab tentang: "Kenapa balik?", "Terus kerjaan di E.ON gimana?", "Yakin for good?", atau bahkan "Eh terus gimana sama si laki-laki Jerman itu?"

Saya baru menyadari betapa banyak hal yang saya lewatkan tentang Jakarta, tentang keluarga, tentang teman-teman baik, tentang cinta yang baru tumbuh ataupun gagal di antara mereka, sampai tentang ojek online yang baru saya sadari manfaatnya kira-kira dua minggu terakhir ini. Selama tiga tahun ke belakang, kangen sih jelas, cuma ketika akhirnya saya bisa memeluk mereka satu per satu, saya baru sadar betapa sebenarnya setiap dari mereka adalah keping puzzle yang menyusun hidup saya (boleh minta tepuk tangannya?).

Lalu kalau ditanya, berarti ga nyesel nih balik ke Jakarta?

Untuk apapun keputusan yang pernah saya ambil dalam hidup saya sampai sejauh 27 tahun ini: pindah ke Bandung, balik lagi ke Jakarta, kerja di site di Kalimantan, balik kerja di kantor Jakarta, pindah ke Jerman, pindah kota di Jerman untuk magang, balik lagi ke Munich, sampai akhirnya memutuskan kembali ke Indonesia for good, saya belajar bahwa hidup semestinya adalah berpindah. Beruntunglah orang-orang yang diberikan kesempatan untuk pergi dan berpindah, karena kembali lagi atau tidak, menurut saya, mereka adalah orang-orang yang kaya. Dan sebaik-baiknya orang yang dapat mendefinisikan arti "rumah" adalah mereka yang pernah merasakan pergi dan berpindah, menurut saya.

Kangen sama Jerman sih pasti, sama aja waktu saya di Jerman, toh ujung-ujungnya kangen Indonesia juga. Saya yakin bahwa rasa rindu adalah hasil dari intimate relationship yang terjalin antara dua subjek. Jadi intinya, mau kemanapun saya pergi, rasa kangen terhadap apapun atau siapapun pasti bakal mengikuti. It's humane.

Jakarta, sama seperti Freising, Munich, Essen, Düsseldorf, Sangatta, atau Bandung sekalipun, adalah bagian besar dari hidup saya. Kedai-kedai kopi yang baru buka, kopi-kopi filter favorit, obrolan-obrolan personal dalam bahasa ibu, inside jokes, inner circle, kendaraan-kendaraan yang parkir bebas ketika rush hour, teh manis hangat buatan Mama setiap pagi sebelum berangkat kerja, atau jalan TB Simatupang yang selalu saya lalui dari lima tahun lalu menuju kantor berhasil mengembalikan arti Jakarta untuk saya.

Jakarta, sama seperti isinya yang padat, punya satu arti buat saya:

It means a lot.


Cheers,

F