but moving on is never easy

Dear R & R,

It's been quite long time since the last time I wrote letters for you. I was pretty busy preparing every single thing, I was busy dealing with my own thoughts and deep feelings.

Darling,

Right when I was 3 or 4, my father taught me how to ride a bike. The 4-wheel bike is just a thing for me at that moment, I quickly mastered it and most importantly, I felt safe. I am steady though I'm not moving. Then everything started to scare me. My father took off the two wheels on the back, my source of ease. I wasn't ready yet I had to keep it moving, I fell off my bike.
Riding a bicycle is just one of the greatest metaphors for living life. That's why I am writing this, I want you, both of you, to keep moving as you'll need it for the sake of your balance. 

Darling,

I am still far away and I can't be a faultless role model for you. But I promise I'll be the one who share endless stories of mine before your bedtime, I'll be the one who watch you riding a bike for the very first time of your life, though moving on is never easy.

See you on the other side of the world.



Love,


Me,
Few days away before my departure.

Warna

Warna.

Hampir 3/4 tahun sudah terlewati di 2013. Tahun di mana rencana Tuhan lebih bermain peran dibanding rencana saya sendiri. Tahun kehilangan, menemukan, dan ditemukan. Tahun dimana saya lebih merasa seperti wayang, sementara semesta menjadi dalangnya. 

Kehilangan adik saya sendiri adalah kehilangan yang saya sendiripun tidak bisa menggambarkannya. Jika belum pernah merasakan kehilangan anggota keluarga dan secara tiba-tiba, maka saya sarankan tidak usah bicara tentang rasanya ditinggal. Pukulan yang cukup keras bagi saya, saya sempat berjanji sambil memeluk tubuh adik saya yang sudah mendingin: dengan kuasa semesta, saya akan mewujudkan mimpi saya, membanggakan Mama dan Papa.

Beruntunglah saya, saya anak pertama yang terbiasa melakukan apa-apa sendiri bahkan cenderung tidak suka meminta tolong orang lain. Saya sangat menjunjung tinggi keleluasaan pribadi, tidak perlulah semua orang tau apa yang sebetulnya sedang saya rasakan, apa yang sebetulnya sedang terjadi.

Ditemukan dan menemukan. Saya diingatkan bahwa semandiri-mandirinya saya, kehadiran orang lain ternyata sangat saya butuhkan dan memang berarti. Saya jatuh cinta lagi.

Tuhan, malaikat, dan semesta mungkin bersekongkol atau mungkin juga berkat bisikan adik saya di atas sana. Saya diterima di salah satu universitas terbaik di Jerman untuk melanjutkan studi master, gratis. Tanpa saya sadari, Tuhan dan semesta bekerja untuk ini semua, lewat orang tua saya, teman-teman, bahkan lewat dosen pembimbing dan supervisor saya yang mati-matian merekomendasikan saya. Saya tidak pernah benar-benar merencanakan, tapi seperti yang sudah saya tulis sebelumnya, saya ini wayang, semesta adalah dalang.

Terima kasih semesta,

Satu titik kecil di dalammu.

Help me, now I think I'm a killer!

Dear Deeplings,

I am a dinoflagellate – a single-celled microscopic plankton of the fine lineage Karlodinium armiger. I’m a pretty peaceful dude-lady – I just chillax on the ocean’s surface, spinning my flagella and soaking up the sun. The only thing I thought I had to worry about was getting eaten by one of those nasty copepods.

But now I’m afraid there might be something wrong with me. We were having a bloom event like we dinoflagellates do – sometimes you just gotta get your freak on, you know? All of a sudden I started to feel…hungry, which was strange because the sun was out. I blacked out and when I came to, my feeding tube was stuck in a giant dead worm larvae, and I was slurping up its innards! There were zooplankton bodies strewn everywhere, with my  K. armiger peeps were crawling all over their silent corpses! I mean, I know zooplankton are our ancient enemies, but this seems extreme. Now I’m afraid that I’m a psycho killer. Help!

Sincerely,

Karlodinium armiger the 21,783,912th

Taken from this

You Never Know Where Life's Gonna Take You

Or Vice Versa.


be careful, be wise, and enjoy the ride, Rakata, Rinjani.
You'll be great.

How Happy is Too Happy?

There must be something related to psychology, or neurology, or euphoria neuroethics or deep brain or whatever. I got C in such subjects.

But let me tell you, Darling. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of.

I rarely find that happiness is an interesting story. Like watching a movie, a happy ending one, it would be very boring it will hurt my ass. It's like Tolstoy said, happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story.


Yes, Murakami, you're right.