To the place I would leave my heart in

For the love and the heartbreak,

For the pride and the breakdown,

For every season with its own memories,

For the wonderful winter times,

For the things I have to leave behind,

For the last words I have to say before this chapter is officially finished,

For the next life chapter I have to start writing,

For another dream I have to pursue,

I'll thank you later.

A Night in Italy

They said my heart is so cold I could ignore those buzzing hearts trying to catch mine. 

Until I fell into something I could never describe, feeling I could never define.

Never have I thought I would fall for someone in ways I have never been before.

Never has it crossed my mind that finding and losing could be a synonym, sadly.

There was a night in Italy when I was observing a man trying to define a drink he used to like to the 

bartender, unfortunately he forgot its name and the bartender did not get it. 

Then I realised things are better left unsaid,

most of the time.

The World Breaks Everyone

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."

- Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

That was my favorite line from Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms that I bought two months ago in a second-hand bookshop in Munich. I started to think that everything will eventually break everyone; we've seen the news of attacks, tragedies, people dying, and heartbreaking pictures everywhere. "What's wrong with the world?" seems to be an unanswered question. We're busy blaming and accusing each other, we take our shredded hearts to hatred and anger, we forget that somehow, sometimes, we need to stop, we need to cut and we need to start it from ourselves.

Broken hearts are prone to hatred and anger but I believe feeling pain is absolutely not equal to hurt someone back or to hurt oneself, for whatever reason. Hatred is dangerous, once it has taken a root in a heart, then it will continue to grow, bigger and stronger.

Cut it out.

As for me, I chose to go on with life, to cut myself out from the love that turned out to hurt me the most, from a man that I love. To delete, to remove things related to this unavailing love just because I don't want to grow hatred, cause I know no one deserves to get hate, no one, including him.

Every pain should come with newfound perspectives. To get better understanding that if one part was broken, then another would get stronger though it takes time. We should be okay with that, I'm okay with that.

and I think it's where the peace begins -- with each of us being peaceful, isn't it?

2015

So, 2016 is just around the corner.

Frankly, this year has been tough, at least compared to last year. I kind of enjoyed 2014 as my new life began to start, I got my internship in a very reputable company that I had been dreaming of, got chances to fulfill my wanderlust, got my bucket list crossed off, grades were satisfying, made new good friends. Life was just easy, at that time.

I went through a major heartbreak this year that I never thought it would be this painful. A heartbreak which left me unstable, powerless enough to get myself back on the track. But yes I know, people would say a heartbreak is a part of life we all have experienced, or will experience. I know, I truly know as it's not my first time and being optimistic as what instagram-worthy phrases say is so cliche. Truth is, I'm quite afraid of emotional closeness because I know once I'm into it, I'd throw myself wholeheartedly that would, somehow, backfire on me and that's what happened. My mornings were blurry and breathing was hard, but I knew I was just going to be fine.

At the same time, someone from the past came back into my life and I came into conclusion that I'm not ready to be close to or to be with someone again, at least, for now. Well, I know everything happens for a reason and let the reason speaks out later. Let me know later that it was all worth it.

Enough for the cheesy peasy. At last, I'm getting used to listen to my Ólafur Arnalds' playlists again.

I finished my internship at E.ON successfully and later this year got invited to a professional training (got a sweet bouquet from the team on my last day!:') and went back home to Indonesia a week after. I spent 1,5 month at home, felt unreal yet I couldn't hide my happiness seeing everyone I had been missing for a long time.

In June, I finally did my solo travel again to Croatia and blessed to have found a stranger who became a good friend (we're still exchanging messages up until now, even though she's back in the US)

And finally, I'm getting closer to graduation. I'm working on my master's thesis and grateful to be involved in such a big European Union project from my department.

People come and go, but I know my comfort circles stay forever.

Long story short, this might not be my favorite year but there I learned one thing: to keep those who are worth fighting for and to let go those who aren't worth keeping around.

Yet, I'm excited to see where life's gonna take me after this. Going back home for good sounds like a plan, but my heart says I still have to wander somewhere else,

to find and to be found.

Winter in Bratislava

I think one of the good things about writing your thesis (in such a gloomy unpredictable weather where you can't play much outside) is that you have more time to do things you haven't done. While re-arranging folders on my laptop, I stumbled upon my Eastern Europe trip folder and realized there are many pictures I should've shared almost a year ago.

I did a day trip to Bratislava from Vienna during my Christmas break last year and fell in love with the city. So here are the pictures in BW!

Dear Hagia,

Greetings from here,

I've been wondering if you were named after Ayasofya, well, I have not been there but my Dad told me it was one of the most beautiful places he has ever been to. 

Hagia,

I was raised in a democratic Moslem family in which I've never been taught to judge others. I've never been taught to hurt, even only with the words. I truly believe that my religion teaches beautiful things, and so does other religion. I had never been into a very diverse culture until I left my country and be the minority that I learned much more love than hatred. That I learned majority is not always right, and vice versa.

But I know, the problem is because not everyone in this supposed to be peaceful world can make peace with situations, even with themselves. They twisted what 'fighting' means at its utmost failure and how ironic they thought they were right. We need to accept, we need to accept the change just like when Ayasofya was converted into a mosque when Constantinople was conquered by the Ottoman Turks. It turns out to be one of the most beautiful things ever happened with the two cultures.

Hagia,

Isn't it that simple? To love others, to respect what they believe is right for them and what we believe is right for us? 

Sempurna yang kau puja dan ayat-ayat yang kau baca,

Tak kurasa berbeda, kita bebas untuk percaya *

Love from here,

F

P.S. I love your name

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Inspired by Hagia, a beautiful song from Barasuara. 

Pardon Me, Aira

Because I've been away and wasn't able to catch you, because I saw your letter from Alhambra a year ago but never managed to reply, because I loved you but you know some things are better to be left behind, because I know you were there but I wasn't.

Because I found my love here.

and I hope you will.

and I owe you an apology.

Regards from Oslo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sedikit Tentang North Rhine-Westphalia

Sedikit cerita tentang enam bulan lamanya menetap di barat laut Jerman

Birthday Letter to A

Dear A,

First of all, let me tell you that I miss you so much. Life has been good to me so far. I went home this spring break after 1,5 year living abroad. I finally slept on my bed again and guess what? Mama put your favorite duvet on my bed that I couldn't get your smell off, and I think I will never.

A,

I'm wondering how you would spend your birthday. I'm wondering you would get many surprises from your friends, your girlfriend and how you would reply those birthday greetings super-nicely. Well you taught me how to be nice to all people, even to those we've just met. You're a super nice-friendly guy and I'm your stubborn-bossy sister.

Anyway,

I think God gave his best shot when he made you and me. We were always together, every time, in every fight, that I HAD to be the winner, not because I was always right but because I was too bossy I didn't want to lose and you were a gentle little man.

To remind you, here are the things I will never forget about you, about us:

1. Remember when we had a big fight when mama and papa weren't at home? We fought for a toy and I ended up punching you on the cheek defending myself over the damn toy. You cried and I knew it was painful. But when mama came home and asked you, you said it was because you hit the door accidentally and until now I guess mama doesn't know it was totally my fault. I know, I was evil.

2. I don't know why you loved monkey so much. When we were kids, I used to be your "monkey" to cheer you up whenever you cried which is now I think it was miserable (yes, your sister being a monkey).

3. We loved karaoke! We loved pretending to be superstars with our "microphone" which was actually just a baby powder bottle.

4. Then there was this time when I was a teenager starting to love boybands and you were still a small kid. I put away our children-songs cassettes and dominated the music player that made you mad at me. Then papa bought me a walkman so I can listen to Backstreet Boys and Westlife. I know, cheesy.

5. For one phase in life, I realized that you started to grow to be a good-looking boy. You're way taller than me and seriously I don't understand why you had that long-beautiful eyelashes that made your eyes even more wonderful. And if you were still here, I think I would be your super-rude judge to choose who deserves to be your girlfriend (believe me, I know girls' stuffs).

And now we've been apart for 2,5 years. You know I was so scared at first, many questions came across as it was my first big loss. I thought I would never survive without you, living the life alone. But then I learned that everyone of us will eventually lose something precious to us and that's just about time. I survived and everything is going well here.

I've been living in Germany for almost 2 years now. I traveled a lot to more than 20 countries, checking off my bucket list (and I still have many), I got paid internship this year which was more than enough for my savings, I got a recommendation and this turns out to be my next stop after graduation. I'm almost at the end of my master's program and will hopefully get my master's degree by the beginning of next year. Well of course there were difficult times I had to deal with but that's how life works, right?

Finally, happy birthday to you, my other half, my first boyfriend. May your day be filled with joy and happiness there. You're still, and forever will be my source of happiness, my reason to do everything that will make you proud of me.

Happy birthday, Aldo.

I love you.

Your sister.

P.S. 

I know your birthday is on 30th but as I won't be around on that day, I decided to write this letter now. How long does it take for this letter to be delivered to heaven?

Menjadi Indonesia

This picture was taken 5 years ago in Meru Betiri National Park, East Java, one of the beautiful places I've ever been to.

Yesterday turned out to be the day I've seen so many good posts and optimism on Indonesia. The day filled with the pride of being Indonesian, our flag everywhere, our undeniable natural beauty, and so on. It was overwhelming that suddenly I miss Indonesia and everything related to it.

Happy Independence Day, Indonesia! I'll be back, we'll be back. I'll do something, we'll do something.

Bandung & Efek Rumah Kaca

Jadi, saya baru dikasih tahu temen bahwa ERK akan bikin konser di Bandung bulan September nanti dan lagi-lagi cuma bisa gigit jari karena pastinya saya ga akan ada disitu.

Bicara tentang ERK, rasanya kembali lagi ke jaman-jaman kuliah S1 dulu. Bandung membuat saya menaruh hati pada beberapa musik dan band indie yang kalo sekarang saya dengerin lagi, rasanya seperti kembali ke kamar kosan saya di Tubagus Ismail dan Cisitu dulu, lengkap bersama kaos band, jeans, dan sendal jepit ando. Saya termasuk penggemar ERK yang mendengarkan lagu-lagu mereka dari album pertama, bahkan hingga Pandai Besi terbentuk. Saya masih ingat album Daur Baur dirilis hanya beberapa saat sebelum saya berangkat ke Jerman tahun 2013 dan yang pastinya mengobati kerinduan pada ERK yang tak kunjung mengeluarkan album baru pada saat itu. Bersama dua orang teman baik saya yang sama-sama penggemar berat Mas Cholil cs, rasanya kami ga pernah melewatkan setiap kesempatan kalau ERK main di kampus ITB dan rasanya Jatuh Cinta Itu Biasa Saja dan Cinta Melulu selalu mengisi hari-hari jaman kuliah tingkat awal dulu :"

Tanggal 10 Juli kemarin pun jadi hari yang menyenangkan, kami sesama penggemar ERK saling memberi info bahwa lagu baru mereka sudah bisa dinikmati dan saya seperti jatuh cinta lagi pada mantan yang udah lama ga ketemu (#eh, gimana?). Pasar Bisa Diciptakan menurut saya lebih 'berwarna', 'kaya', dan 'matang' dibanding lagu-lagu mereka sebelumnya. Well, saya bukan ahli musik sih, tapi sebagai orang yang sudah mendengarkan mereka dari album pertama, overall saya jatuh cinta pada album baru mereka ini.

Saya masih mendengarkan ERK sampai sekarang dan sudah delapan tahun. ERK menemani masa-masa kuliah saya dulu, masa-masa kembali ke Jakarta untuk bekerja dan site visit ke Kalimantan, sampai akhirnya ke Jerman untuk melanjutkan sekolah. Bahkan, saya ingat lagu-lagu ERK pun menemani perjalanan saya di Skandinavia tahun lalu. Tapi yang pasti, ERK selalu mengingatkan saya akan Bandung.

Lucu ya, bagaimana sebuah band atau lagu bisa membawa kita kembali ke masa lalu dan ERK selalu berhasil membuat saya mengingat Bandung, kota yang hanya saya tinggali selama 4 tahun, bukan kota asal orang tua saya, bukan juga kota tempat saya dilahirkan, tapi mampu membuat rindu lebih dari tempat manapun. Mampu untuk membuat saya ingin kembali dan menetap di sana lagi suatu hari nanti.

"Tetapi Bandung tetap saja Bandung, bagiku bukan cuma masalah geografis, lebih dari itu melibatkan perasaan."

August: Life Updates

I received a facebook message yesterday from a friend whom I met in Oslo last year, she asked me whether I'll be available or not in August as she has made plan to visit Munich. That's actually the time when I realized that August was just few hours away.

And now it's August already. 

I remember last year, around this time, I was in the Netherlands visiting my bestfriend while she was struggling with her master's thesis. Two days later, I received an internship offer from E.ON and the rest of the story was, of course, full of preparation as I had to move in to the new city, to start my role in the company and even to travel to some places for training.

And now, it's nearly the end of my master's program. Well, I still have classes in the next semester to compensate my semester leave that I took to do my internship in Essen (Yes, I lost one semester, but really, I'll never regret my decision :p) and last but not least, there's a master's thesis I have to finish by the beginning of next year, so here it comes the most crucial slash sleepless nights slash mental breakdown period. Fyi, the focus of my thesis would be the sustainability and energy scenario, I don't have the title yet at the moment. It's kinda cross-disciplinary work in which I have to be knowledgeable enough in resource economics. The proposal to the chair in business management is still on its way so wish me luck!

Ben & Jerry's keeps my thesis time sane

Well, surprisingly I've been receiving some shocking news this whole summer; bestfriend's breakup, choice to calling off the half-prepared wedding, and a sudden departure to go back home for good, plus two of my good friends are going back to their home countries in September that I don't have idea when we're gonna meet again. It's funny how you create such an emotional attachment with the place and the people inside can sadly affect you when they're leaving, make you feel that life is no more than just a series of hellos and goodbyes. One thing for sure, I will be forever grateful to have such beautiful minded people God had sent to me during my time here and my heart will be forever with them wherever they are.

Of course there are also some exciting news; two friends of mine got the new jobs, my family and some friends will be visiting me here in autumn, a blogging and traveling-related project (yes!), Star Wars is coming soon as a Christmas present (haha), my cousin is getting married and her soon-to-be  husband asked me to write a story about her (turns out both of them are my silent reader), and of course, some personal excitement :)

Last Lebaran with the Snail in the Netherlands. I know, doesn't look like Lebaran at all

Good friends and a summer well spent

In the name of academic reason, I have to hold my wanderlust back for a while and focus on the mighty master's thesis but for sure I have some plans in mind where to spend my last mega-holiday to end my master's journey here before starting a new chapter of life. Let's see.

And I guess more happy things are waiting for me back home, no?

F

Postcard to Franda

Hi.

I'm writing this because I know you love postcards, because I know you love Scandinavia as much as I do, because I remember the way you text me enthusiastically when you were in Stockholm last year, because every song of Sore always reminds me of you, because our most favorite song is Setengah Lima.

Anda.

***

The Day When They Met

"So what brings you here?" he asked me politely.

We were at the flea market in the downtown. Actually I wasn't looking for something particular, those hundred-euros-kind-of-antique-stuffs failed to attract my attention, "Nothing, my friend is still at work, so I'm just here, killing my time." I was about to take a picture of a lady selling vintage aprons when he smiled at me while saying, "I can see it, this is not your favorite thing to do, a girl like you." I choked, "What do you mean? a girl like me?" He smiled again, sweeter than before, "I guess a girl like you is not into spending time and money for shopping, you just enjoy traveling without complexity."

The weather was hot enough so I grabbed my water from my bag. This place must've been a favorite spot for locals in the summer. "Actually," I continued. "I do love shopping, but only when I feel like it and definitely is not my kind of therapy." I glanced at him. There is something about this guy, what first caught my attention was the t-shirt he was wearing, the t-shirt of my favorite band, and how I fell easily into conversation with a stranger like him. I never thought that this guy would be the one, the one I can't define my feeling to.

"So you like hiking?" he stood at the counter, ready to order his iced coffee. We went to the coffee shop nearby, the sun was evil. "I do, but I'm not a pro, not also that strong." I replied. He took two straws, one for me, "Here is one of the beautiful places to go hiking. Shall we?" and there's no way for me to say no.

"By the way, I was wondering, do you really listen to that band?" I asked him, looking at his t-shirt.

"I am a big fan, so I do, do you?"

"I grew up with them, with their songs. I'm Franda, by the way."

"Nice to meet you, Franda. I'm Anda."

We took a look at each other and smiled.

***

I found myself in our favorite coffee shop wondering,

If I never met him,

If  he never wore that t-shirt

If he ever fell in love with me

If I ever fell in love with him

or someone else

N ( ) R W A Y

"Norway is a once-in-a-lifetime destination and the essence of its appeal is remarkably simple: this is one of the most beautiful countries on earth." 

Anthony Ham, Lonely Planet Writer

Dear daughter, yes, your mom does solo travel

Dear Rinjani,

I just got back from my solo travel to Croatia. Yes, I do solo travel if you're wondering. It's been long time since the last time I did my solo travel. I remember that time when I just booked my flight from Jakarta to Kinabalu then few days later, I received my Letter of Acceptance from the university I'm studying at now. I changed my mind and canceled my flight, I've never been to Kinabalu since then.

I was about to read my Sputnik Sweetheart when a girl came to me asking for a seat beside me on the bus with familiar English accent.

"She's not German." I murmured

Our almost-7-hours journey from Munich to Zagreb wasn't boring at all as we talked a lot of things. She's from Montreal and she's younger than me but our wanderlust seemed to connect us in a fun flowing conversation. You know, I'm always into that kind of conversation. 

We spent few hours in Zagreb together checking off those must-visit-places in the city (thanks to her Lonely Planet), strolling around the downtown, having pancakes, and so on. Later on the night she invited me to go out for a drink but I decided to stay at my hostel as I had to catch my bus very early in the morning.

The next day, I had a fun trekking time at the Plitvice National Park. Yes, another check off of my bucket list. I almost expected to see those fairies coming out from the lakes, flying above the canopy and waterfalls. I could write here all beautiful things I've seen there, but no, you have to prove it by yourself someday. I'm lucky enough to have been there.

There are many routes you can choose there depends on what you really wanna see (and how comfortable you are walking on the long hilly pathways), I chose the longest one and walked along the way, ventured off the trail (but still safe, trust me). I hiked up the hill out of the recommended routes while everyone was too busy taking pictures and I'm glad I did as the view up there was stunning with less crowd.

R, don't put off your dream just because you're alone, if you feel you must go, then go, wait for no one. People might ask you tons of questions of why you do solo travel: "Aren't you lonely?", "Did you just break up with your boyfriend?" or even worse, some guys might be looking at you as if you're their next target, but don't freak out, everything will be fine. It's just because solo travel isn't for everyone.

I don't have all the reasons of why one should do solo travel. All I know, if I hadn't stopped waiting, I'd never discover the other side of myself: that I'm pretty strict on my budget, that I can do a selfie, that I can befriend with strangers, that I like observing people, that I'm not perfect, that the only person I can truly depend on is myself. 

It's a way to more appreciate what's already left behind, it's a way to appreciate home, or someone to call home. 

So, someday if you feel like it, then go, because I did.

Love,

F

"And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing."

Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart