A Night in Italy

They said my heart is so cold I could ignore those buzzing hearts trying to catch mine. 

Until I fell into something I could never describe, feeling I could never define.

Never have I thought I would fall for someone in ways I have never been before.

Never has it crossed my mind that finding and losing could be a synonym, sadly.

There was a night in Italy when I was observing a man trying to define a drink he used to like to the 

bartender, unfortunately he forgot its name and the bartender did not get it. 

Then I realised things are better left unsaid,

most of the time.

The World Breaks Everyone

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."

- Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

That was my favorite line from Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms that I bought two months ago in a second-hand bookshop in Munich. I started to think that everything will eventually break everyone; we've seen the news of attacks, tragedies, people dying, and heartbreaking pictures everywhere. "What's wrong with the world?" seems to be an unanswered question. We're busy blaming and accusing each other, we take our shredded hearts to hatred and anger, we forget that somehow, sometimes, we need to stop, we need to cut and we need to start it from ourselves.

Broken hearts are prone to hatred and anger but I believe feeling pain is absolutely not equal to hurt someone back or to hurt oneself, for whatever reason. Hatred is dangerous, once it has taken a root in a heart, then it will continue to grow, bigger and stronger.

Cut it out.

As for me, I chose to go on with life, to cut myself out from the love that turned out to hurt me the most, from a man that I love. To delete, to remove things related to this unavailing love just because I don't want to grow hatred, cause I know no one deserves to get hate, no one, including him.

Every pain should come with newfound perspectives. To get better understanding that if one part was broken, then another would get stronger though it takes time. We should be okay with that, I'm okay with that.

and I think it's where the peace begins -- with each of us being peaceful, isn't it?

2015

So, 2016 is just around the corner.

Frankly, this year has been tough, at least compared to last year. I kind of enjoyed 2014 as my new life began to start, I got my internship in a very reputable company that I had been dreaming of, got chances to fulfill my wanderlust, got my bucket list crossed off, grades were satisfying, made new good friends. Life was just easy, at that time.

I went through a major heartbreak this year that I never thought it would be this painful. A heartbreak which left me unstable, powerless enough to get myself back on the track. But yes I know, people would say a heartbreak is a part of life we all have experienced, or will experience. I know, I truly know as it's not my first time and being optimistic as what instagram-worthy phrases say is so cliche. Truth is, I'm quite afraid of emotional closeness because I know once I'm into it, I'd throw myself wholeheartedly that would, somehow, backfire on me and that's what happened. My mornings were blurry and breathing was hard, but I knew I was just going to be fine.

At the same time, someone from the past came back into my life and I came into conclusion that I'm not ready to be close to or to be with someone again, at least, for now. Well, I know everything happens for a reason and let the reason speaks out later. Let me know later that it was all worth it.

Enough for the cheesy peasy. At last, I'm getting used to listen to my Ólafur Arnalds' playlists again.

I finished my internship at E.ON successfully and later this year got invited to a professional training (got a sweet bouquet from the team on my last day!:') and went back home to Indonesia a week after. I spent 1,5 month at home, felt unreal yet I couldn't hide my happiness seeing everyone I had been missing for a long time.

In June, I finally did my solo travel again to Croatia and blessed to have found a stranger who became a good friend (we're still exchanging messages up until now, even though she's back in the US)

And finally, I'm getting closer to graduation. I'm working on my master's thesis and grateful to be involved in such a big European Union project from my department.

People come and go, but I know my comfort circles stay forever.

Long story short, this might not be my favorite year but there I learned one thing: to keep those who are worth fighting for and to let go those who aren't worth keeping around.

Yet, I'm excited to see where life's gonna take me after this. Going back home for good sounds like a plan, but my heart says I still have to wander somewhere else,

to find and to be found.

Dear Hagia,

Greetings from here,

I've been wondering if you were named after Ayasofya, well, I have not been there but my Dad told me it was one of the most beautiful places he has ever been to. 

Hagia,

I was raised in a democratic Moslem family in which I've never been taught to judge others. I've never been taught to hurt, even only with the words. I truly believe that my religion teaches beautiful things, and so does other religion. I had never been into a very diverse culture until I left my country and be the minority that I learned much more love than hatred. That I learned majority is not always right, and vice versa.

But I know, the problem is because not everyone in this supposed to be peaceful world can make peace with situations, even with themselves. They twisted what 'fighting' means at its utmost failure and how ironic they thought they were right. We need to accept, we need to accept the change just like when Ayasofya was converted into a mosque when Constantinople was conquered by the Ottoman Turks. It turns out to be one of the most beautiful things ever happened with the two cultures.

Hagia,

Isn't it that simple? To love others, to respect what they believe is right for them and what we believe is right for us? 

Sempurna yang kau puja dan ayat-ayat yang kau baca,

Tak kurasa berbeda, kita bebas untuk percaya *

Love from here,

F

P.S. I love your name

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*Inspired by Hagia, a beautiful song from Barasuara. 

Bandung & Efek Rumah Kaca

Jadi, saya baru dikasih tahu temen bahwa ERK akan bikin konser di Bandung bulan September nanti dan lagi-lagi cuma bisa gigit jari karena pastinya saya ga akan ada disitu.

Bicara tentang ERK, rasanya kembali lagi ke jaman-jaman kuliah S1 dulu. Bandung membuat saya menaruh hati pada beberapa musik dan band indie yang kalo sekarang saya dengerin lagi, rasanya seperti kembali ke kamar kosan saya di Tubagus Ismail dan Cisitu dulu, lengkap bersama kaos band, jeans, dan sendal jepit ando. Saya termasuk penggemar ERK yang mendengarkan lagu-lagu mereka dari album pertama, bahkan hingga Pandai Besi terbentuk. Saya masih ingat album Daur Baur dirilis hanya beberapa saat sebelum saya berangkat ke Jerman tahun 2013 dan yang pastinya mengobati kerinduan pada ERK yang tak kunjung mengeluarkan album baru pada saat itu. Bersama dua orang teman baik saya yang sama-sama penggemar berat Mas Cholil cs, rasanya kami ga pernah melewatkan setiap kesempatan kalau ERK main di kampus ITB dan rasanya Jatuh Cinta Itu Biasa Saja dan Cinta Melulu selalu mengisi hari-hari jaman kuliah tingkat awal dulu :"

Tanggal 10 Juli kemarin pun jadi hari yang menyenangkan, kami sesama penggemar ERK saling memberi info bahwa lagu baru mereka sudah bisa dinikmati dan saya seperti jatuh cinta lagi pada mantan yang udah lama ga ketemu (#eh, gimana?). Pasar Bisa Diciptakan menurut saya lebih 'berwarna', 'kaya', dan 'matang' dibanding lagu-lagu mereka sebelumnya. Well, saya bukan ahli musik sih, tapi sebagai orang yang sudah mendengarkan mereka dari album pertama, overall saya jatuh cinta pada album baru mereka ini.

Saya masih mendengarkan ERK sampai sekarang dan sudah delapan tahun. ERK menemani masa-masa kuliah saya dulu, masa-masa kembali ke Jakarta untuk bekerja dan site visit ke Kalimantan, sampai akhirnya ke Jerman untuk melanjutkan sekolah. Bahkan, saya ingat lagu-lagu ERK pun menemani perjalanan saya di Skandinavia tahun lalu. Tapi yang pasti, ERK selalu mengingatkan saya akan Bandung.

Lucu ya, bagaimana sebuah band atau lagu bisa membawa kita kembali ke masa lalu dan ERK selalu berhasil membuat saya mengingat Bandung, kota yang hanya saya tinggali selama 4 tahun, bukan kota asal orang tua saya, bukan juga kota tempat saya dilahirkan, tapi mampu membuat rindu lebih dari tempat manapun. Mampu untuk membuat saya ingin kembali dan menetap di sana lagi suatu hari nanti.

"Tetapi Bandung tetap saja Bandung, bagiku bukan cuma masalah geografis, lebih dari itu melibatkan perasaan."

August: Life Updates

I received a facebook message yesterday from a friend whom I met in Oslo last year, she asked me whether I'll be available or not in August as she has made plan to visit Munich. That's actually the time when I realized that August was just few hours away.

And now it's August already. 

I remember last year, around this time, I was in the Netherlands visiting my bestfriend while she was struggling with her master's thesis. Two days later, I received an internship offer from E.ON and the rest of the story was, of course, full of preparation as I had to move in to the new city, to start my role in the company and even to travel to some places for training.

And now, it's nearly the end of my master's program. Well, I still have classes in the next semester to compensate my semester leave that I took to do my internship in Essen (Yes, I lost one semester, but really, I'll never regret my decision :p) and last but not least, there's a master's thesis I have to finish by the beginning of next year, so here it comes the most crucial slash sleepless nights slash mental breakdown period. Fyi, the focus of my thesis would be the sustainability and energy scenario, I don't have the title yet at the moment. It's kinda cross-disciplinary work in which I have to be knowledgeable enough in resource economics. The proposal to the chair in business management is still on its way so wish me luck!

Ben & Jerry's keeps my thesis time sane

Well, surprisingly I've been receiving some shocking news this whole summer; bestfriend's breakup, choice to calling off the half-prepared wedding, and a sudden departure to go back home for good, plus two of my good friends are going back to their home countries in September that I don't have idea when we're gonna meet again. It's funny how you create such an emotional attachment with the place and the people inside can sadly affect you when they're leaving, make you feel that life is no more than just a series of hellos and goodbyes. One thing for sure, I will be forever grateful to have such beautiful minded people God had sent to me during my time here and my heart will be forever with them wherever they are.

Of course there are also some exciting news; two friends of mine got the new jobs, my family and some friends will be visiting me here in autumn, a blogging and traveling-related project (yes!), Star Wars is coming soon as a Christmas present (haha), my cousin is getting married and her soon-to-be  husband asked me to write a story about her (turns out both of them are my silent reader), and of course, some personal excitement :)

Last Lebaran with the Snail in the Netherlands. I know, doesn't look like Lebaran at all

Good friends and a summer well spent

In the name of academic reason, I have to hold my wanderlust back for a while and focus on the mighty master's thesis but for sure I have some plans in mind where to spend my last mega-holiday to end my master's journey here before starting a new chapter of life. Let's see.

And I guess more happy things are waiting for me back home, no?

F

Starnberg See

Saya gampang sekali jatuh cinta, sayangnya (atau untungnya) bukan pada sesama manusia. Saya gampang jatuh cinta pada tempat-tempat yang yang bisa membuat saya tersenyum tanpa alasan yang pasti. Tidak harus yang paling indah, tapi cukup bisa membuat saya ingin selalu membicarakannya berkali-kali dan kembali lagi.

Satu setengah bulan sudah saya tinggal di selatan Jerman. Tinggal di kota yang masuk jajaran 10 kota termahal di dunia, tinggal di sebuah kota dimana lebih mudah dan cepat bagi warganya untuk pergi ke Austria atau Swiss dibanding pergi ke ibukota negara sendiri, Berlin. Kepadatan kuliah, tugas, dan proyek membuat saya belum sempat ke luar dari negara bagian Bayern ini. Lagipula, saya toh masih akan lama menetap di sini, jadi saya pikir tak usah terburu-buru mencicipi setiap penjuru Benua Biru ini. Saya memulai piknik saya ke Starnberg See ketika saat itu, cuaca Munich masih bersahabat. Bersahabat untuk ukuran saya adalah ketika saya masih bisa membuka coat di luar ruangan dan tidak harus memakai boots. Starnberg See (See dalam Bahasa Jerman berarti Danau) adalah salah satu danau terbesar di Jerman. 

Dan cuaca baik di Eropa memang baiknya dirayakan dengan satu scoop gelato.

Love,

F.